i'm hav ing a hungover early morning life crisis.

my mother just messaged me and wrote, "me nho con qua". it means "i miss you so much". it made my heart feel full of love and then full of sadness. it's only 6am. this much shouldnt happen. daylight means a more intense realization. i dont want any part of that.

its been a little while. i turned 28. hit the 3 year anniversary with k and just celebrated a wild valentines night a short 72 hours prior. i'm sober, it's sunny outside, i have a mini cold sore on my upper lip, in the same place it appeared that dreaded first time. all sorts of non normal things happening today. i love the quiet of being alone in the apartment without obligations without pressure and free to dictate my own time. today will have to be dedicated to letting my skin feast on the sun's warmth. hopefully i dont get too lazy. i have just wasted 2 hours doing god knows what online. why cant i do anything useful? i need to sit down and really brainstorm practical reasons for being online other than keeping up with news.  obviously i love to BE online, but how could i make it really worthwhile. i can't seem to bring myself to read because i have this sleepiness that hangs like a grey cloud in an otherwise untainted blue sky. 
in 3 months i will have lived here for 1 whole year. it doesnt feel that long but i feel like i've gotten a full taste of portland. there are so many places i could be living right now but the thought of picking up all of our stuff and moving somewhere else tires me. i brought the keyboard here and the stereo intending to set up a home. i'm starting to feel like me and k are incapable of cozying this apartment. the walls continue to be bare even though we have lived here for 2 and a half months now. we dont have any real chairs so we cant sit down for a meal together. the futon couch is shitty and uncomfortable. you'd think we would put more importance on it since we watch so much tv/movies. its just such a hassle to get stuff. buy stuff. is it worth it knowing this is temporary? i mean i filled my davis apartment and made it cozy and i lived there for only one year. k was saying stuff like putting our shit in storage if we move. the idea makes me mad because i didnt just take all this stuff from my brother so i could throw it in a storage unit. i'm willing to move anywhere with her as long as i can really honest to god pay as much debt as i can because i know once i go to europe i will be living on a shoestring for a long long time. i want my stuff to be with me. thats the bottom line. at least until its time to move. i want to enjoy the things i have. i need to do what i say i want. i need to do what i say i will do. i need to do something other than just drink and smoke pot and blow days if not weeks if not months if not YEARS at a time. eh.

so its sunny outside and all i can think of is a nice patio, a friend, and a beer. i think i'll meet up with a if he still wants to irregardless of other factors.

i dedicated today to searching for household goods but as it turns out i should have said a dedication to gross overuse of petroleum and time. after dropping k off at the airport i thought it prudent to cross the freeway to ikea since it was in eye shot. oh man, how wrong and convoluted to think simple ever happens for me. i went around the airport 3 times by simply passing the appropriate exit. and then i couldnt get a half mile from ikea to home depot... another practically eye shot drive. NO. i'd already lost steam and motivation to really do anything crazy or major like buying lumber for shelves. i ended up just buying some chain to lower the height of the shower caddy. after finally getting home on a sliver of gas i made it to the apartment. cooked some pasta, lollygagged, relaxed, warmed up, bundled up, and headed out again. this time for large pots, a used tv, and some fabric. it took me half an hour to find the fabric store but the exit was illegal. i could see people inside and a parking lot full of cars but i didnt know how to get over there. i passed it one way and then the other way. i called them to ask for directions but a machine answered so i hung up and gave up. i am FED up. i dare say i've been in the car for at least 2 hours today and it kills me because i havent actually gone anywhere. its bewildering. i need a beer, bad.

Current Music: heater